Module 2 – Desire, Commitment, and Curiosity
What Is Desire And Where Does It Come From?
Just as with all feelings, desire is created with our thoughts. For a variety of reasons typically in line with the Motivational Triad (seek pleasure, avoid pain, and be efficient), we create the feeling of desire with thoughts like:
I want that.
I deserve that.
That will taste amazing.
That will feel amazing.
That will be amazing.
That will make ME MORE amazing.
I will feel better if I drink, watch, do that.
Everyone else is drinking/smoking.
When we create desire with our thoughts and then reward that desire by taking the action that is our buffer (drinking alcohol, eating sugar/flour, playing video games, scrolling social media, gambling, watching pornography, watching TV/Netflix, shopping, working, etc), we essentially program ourselves to desire it. To make matters worse, in response to any of the buffers mentioned above and many more, which are all concentrated substances, our brain creates an artificially high dopamine response. If sex is important and our brain has wired it into being necessary for our survival, the pornography is HIGHLY IMPORTANT due it’s elevated level of dopamine secretion. Our primitive brain then begins to think that any one of these buffers is HIGHLY IMPORTANT, even ABSOLUTELY CRITICAL, to our survival.
Further, our brain’s desire to be efficient results in the delegation of these well practiced thoughts from our prefrontal cortex to our lower brain so that we use less energy. This is a sign that our brain is working as designed but often makes it seem as though we are buffering against our own will. We have created and rewarded our desire so often that it becomes unconscious and automatic.
Often, our desire to buffer comes from an effort to numb or avoid unpleasant feelings. Most of us are not taught how to manage our emotions, and we sometimes turn to buffering to dull or distract ourselves. This can be true for both positive and negative emotions. If our lives aren’t sustainable without buffering, we need to work on our lives. The truth is, all buffering begins for emotional reasons.
In our best effort to stop buffering, we attempt to use willpower, which is a finite resource, or to “white knuckle it.” Ultimately this worsens a vicious cycle of desire and reward. We want to buffer, resist the urge temporarily, and experience deprivation; our willpower exhausts, and we cave-in and buffer – a relapse that usually ends up as a binge. The more we buffer, the more our dopamine receptors downregulate, which lessens the pleasure we receive from buffering and demands more of that buffering to get the same amount of pleasure. When we stop buffering, our dopamine levels drop below our baseline and we think we need to buffer just to feel normal. Our attempts to avoid feeling deprivation lead us to justifying our buffering, and the smarter we are, the better we are at finding justifications, i.e. excuses.
Our usual approaches (willpower, white knuckling, and resisting urges) make our desire more intense. All of this leads us to think that there is something wrong with us. We don’t identify as ‘alcoholics’, ‘addicts’, or ‘having problems’ but we buffer more than we want to. We feel as if we are buffering against our own will and unable to change.
I want you to know that understanding all of this is good news. Our brain is working exactly as it should, and because we created desire with our thoughts, we can also un-create it. The long term solution is to reduce desire so that you can take control of your buffering – whatever that action is. When the desire is gone you will have no need for willpower or extra effort to resist buffering.
Importance Of Commitment
The main difference between people who get results and those who don’t is their level of commitment. Those who say they will “try this program” will have a much different experience from those who decide that they are “committed to getting this result no matter what.” Massive action is a learned skill where people keep taking action until they get the result they want.
ASK YOURSELF:
Are you really committed to getting what you want no matter what?
Why or why not?
If you don’t get that result, are you willing to give me $50k? (Of course, you don’t really have to give me $50k. I want you to see the difference between wanting something vs. fully committing to taking massive action until you have what you want no matter what.)
The good news is that your commitment is broken only when you fail, and you only fail when you quit. As long as you are continually taking action, you are still in the game.
You have been practicing buffering for likely a long time – perhaps several years – and your body likes homeostasis. You have well established patterns in the way that they buffer and think. To change, you must expect discomfort and move toward it. You must rely on your commitment, allow this discomfort, and act anyway. In this course you will learn all the tools you will need to stop buffering, but you must commit to doing the work, including the work to change your beliefs about your self worth and capabilities.
ASK YOURSELF:
What is your why?
Why is reducing/stopping buffering so important to you?
What will happen if you don’t do it?
What discomfort will stopping/reducing cause?
Will it be worth it?
What is your exact commitment?
When will you have accomplished it?
How can you make this measurable and exciting?
Change Judgement To Curiosity
Another key to success is in the way you approach this work. Those who fluctuate between starting, quitting, and judging themselves don’t get it done. Those who are curious, practice allowing urges, and do the work as many times as it takes even when it feels awkward, those who take it seriously and don’t blow it off, those who don’t quit or say, “It’s not important” or “It doesn’t work for me” are the students who get the result they want.
Simply put, those who learn to use their human brain to steer the ship instead of allowing their animal brain to take over can take control of their buffering on purpose. They can decide how they want to think about buffering and don’t allow their brain to believe something that doesn’t give them the result they want. When they make mistakes, they don’t make it mean that there is something wrong with them. Instead, they use the Write It Down & Move On worksheet to learn from their mistakes instead of beating themselves up.
I want you to commit that when you have an urge, you will not just respond and let it go. I want you to see these decisions as opportunities to learn; to be curious enough to get to the root cause of the problem which is your thinking; to be serious, curious and deliberate.
I want you to be willing to keep failing, getting back up and failing again, and learning from these failures until not buffering becomes effortless.
WORKSHEETS
(Click to download)
