Social Anxiety & Approach Anxiety

RELATIONSHIPS ARE THOUGHTS

Entering the Social and Approach Anxiety segment of the course, I want to remind you again that relationships are not with other people.

Relationships are thoughts.

You are never in a relationship with a person or a thing, you are only ever in a relationship with your thoughts about a person or a thing.

Your relationship with anyone, including the one that they have with yourself, and the relationship they have with other people, your past, and your money are dependent on the thoughts you choose to think.

WHAT IS ANXIETY?

Anxiety is simply a low-level of fear. That’s all – it’s fear. It isn’t an emotion of itself. It is a derivative of fear, or the fear of feeling fear. In all cases, it is irrational fear due to the low buzz and the lack of the sympathetic nervous system activation. Sometimes, in extreme cases of anxiety, your body WILL activate the sympathetic nervous system. This is rare and generally only happens when there is a belief that relates directly to death from action.

The sympathetic nervous system is the ‘fight or flight’ mode that kicks in during danger from rational fear. It was the instinctual way the brain has kept the body alive (see the segment on unconditional love and irrational fear). In the 21st century and the 1st world, there really isn’t a lot of things happening that activate the sympathetic nervous system. Most of the time, humans aren’t feeling fear, they are feeling anxiety.

There is no ‘freeze’ reaction in the sympathetic nervous system. This would not protect the organism (you) from danger and any primordial human that froze in the face of danger was the one that died and did not pass on their genes. Anxiety is a modern marvel of human scarcity and doubt. If we had experienced anxiety as a form of fear in those times, we would not have been alive very long. Contrary to popular belief – the ‘freeze’ you feel is from anxiety, never true fear.

Anxiety is a low hum or buzz in the body. It’s a conflicting message from the brain. It’s basically saying, “I want to talk to that woman and am afraid of what she will say”. This is Approach Anxiety – can you see the conflict? You want to talk to her AND you don’t know what she is going to say. There is a fear of rejection here. Keeping the intuition (to talk to her) and removing the anxiety (of being rejected) is the way you overcome Approach Anxiety. “I know how to speak AND don’t know what to say”, this is Performance Anxiety and can be in combination with Approach Anxiety if you’re thinking about meeting a woman or alone when you are thinking about demonstrating a skill. Again, can you see the conflict? Social Anxiety is, “Everyone is going to be looking at me AND they will be thinking about me what I think about me”. The conflict here is that people looking at you is normal and awesome – people thinking about you what you think about you is the lie.

SOCIAL ANXIETY

Let’s take a look at social anxiety first. All anxieties around other people are really the same thing anyway.

Social Anxiety is around people seeing you the way you see you – and not in an amazing way.

The truth is, all of these anxieties stem from the relationship you have with yourself. This is ALWAYS true – since relationships are always thoughts, whatever you think about yourself is 1) what you think other people are going to think about you and 2) how you teach people how to treat you based on your actions (Effect) coming from your thoughts (Cause).

Social Anxiety, in its most basic form, is: “I don’t want people to think about me the way I think about me (or see me the way I see myself)”.

There can be variations that are more specific to you or someone else, however, it will always be some form of the above. You think a certain way about yourself – you’re too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny, too poor, not enough style, crooked nose, big ears, missing teeth, whatever. It stems from a shame you have about yourself and extends into anxiety when you think about being around other people.

Of course, the thoughts that are creating the shame and insecurity are brain sentences ONLY. They are not true, unless you choose to believe them. And when you choose to believe them and make them true for you, you will naturally assume (cognitively) that other people will see the ‘truth’ that you see – this is where the anxiety comes from.

The key to eradicating Social Anxiety is through 1. living in the Universal Truth and 2. KNOWING that other people are doing the same thing with themselves that you are doing to yourself.

In the first case, the Universal Truth frees you from all worry, doubt, and fear. You are in control of your own mind, your own thoughts. You don’t have to think things about yourself that are negative and I want to offer that you NEVER do this to yourself. Your mind is both a tool that creates your experience and your results. When you think negative thoughts, you feel bad (uncomfortable feelings) and you create results that don’t serve you. (For more information on this, see the segment on The Universal Truth.)

The second way to eradicate Social Anxiety is by knowing that everyone is also living in the Universal Truth and running the Model of Alignment for themselves. They are thinking thoughts, creating feelings that drive actions. It is HIGHLY UNLIKELY (I’d even say IMPOSSIBLE) that people who don’t know you are thinking about you the way you think about you.

Picture it, you walk into a room full of strangers and all of them at the same time have the thought, “Geez, that guy had big ears.” I mean, it’s just not very likely. And even if that is what one or two people ARE thinking – remember the inversion principle (see the segment on the Mirror and Inversion Principles).

Social Anxiety is a mental construct that exists in your mind as a way to create confirmation bias for the thoughts you already think about yourself. Change the way you think about yourself (the relationship you have with yourself), and you will eliminate Social Anxiety.

APPROACH ANXIETY

Approach Anxiety is a similar form of anxiety, related to Social Anxiety. The difference is cognitive, not existential. It will feel the same in your body – anxiety is anxiety. Whereas Social Anxiety is thinking that other people are going to think the negative things you think about yourself, Approach Anxiety is thinking that this person is either going to reject you (and rejection can come in many forms).

The most basic form of Approach Anxiety is the thought, “I want to talk to (meet) this person and I am afraid the encounter will not go the way I want it to go.”

Just like with Social Anxiety, there can be more specific forms of this general thought pattern based on what the object (circumstance or ‘trigger’) is. When it’s a woman you find attractive, it might be that you are afraid she will say no, or she has a boyfriend, or you will freeze and not know what to say. When it’s a stranger at a work function, it might be that you are afraid you will act awkward and they will not like you, or that they won’t accept you, or that you won’t have anything in common.

Remember – all anxiety (social, approach, and performance) comes from the thoughts you have about yourself. If you’re worried someone won’t accept you, it’s because you have a tough time accepting yourself and/or you validate your worth externally through other peoples acceptance. Anxiety in all its forms HAS NOTHING to do with the other person or people.

I understand this is a relationship course and it’s likely you are wanting to improve your relationship with other people. I promise you that all your relationships are a reflection of the ONE RELATIONSHIP that you have had since the beginning and will have to the end – the relationship you have with yourself.

The key to eliminating Approach Anxiety is through The Universal Truth (of course). The thoughts you have about yourself will determine the relationship you have with yourself. The thoughts you have about other people will determine the relationship you have with other people. The more you practice understanding and living the Universal Truth and doing Models of Alignment, the more you will realize that every relationship begins with your thoughts and how you decide to engage with other humans.

PERFORMANCE ANXIETY

Performance Anxiety is more elusive. It has shades that exist through Approach Anxiety and Social Anxiety. It also is very conflicting with the brain – Performance Anxiety brings with it a lot of cognitive dissonance.

Consider Performance Anxiety from the general thought pattern, “I know what I am doing AND I am going to make a mistake.”

This thought pattern has shades of doubt written all over it. It exists everywhere; from professional athletes, to making a toast, giving a speech, or even talking to someone when you think other people are watching (making it easy to combine with approach anxiety). It seems like no one is immune to Performance Anxiety.

However, just like all other forms of anxiety, you can eradicate it with Mind Management – practicing the Law of Cause and Effect (The Universal Truth) and witnessing Models of Alignment.

Performance Anxiety comes down to knowing that what other people think is about them (inversion principle). If you are going to give a speech and you say some words that aren’t on the script or make a few mistakes, so what? Who cares? You’re the one up there contributing the information and MOST people are not even going to notice a slip up here or there. Same with music. Same with a conversation or a toast. And the truth is, the people who notice a mistake and then judge you for it – well, that’s on THEM!

Furthermore, the more you practice the Universal Truth and Intentional Thinking, the more you will determine the feelings, actions, and results you feel, do, and receive in Life. This is the Law and the Power you have to operate within the Law.

WORKSHEETS

(Click to download)

Do this worksheet everyday for 30 days.