Manuals & Boundaries

ONE MORE TIME WITH RELATIONSHIPS

I am going to continue to repeat this in nearly every segment of this course – IT IS THAT IMPORTANT!

Relationships are thoughts.

You are never in a relationship with a person or a thing, you are only ever in a relationship with your thoughts about a person or a thing.

Your relationship with anyone, including the one that they have with yourself, and the relationship they have with other people, your past, and your money are dependent on the thoughts you choose to think.

THE MANUAL

A manual is a “book” of rules and expectations of what we think should happen in a relationship. This manual is often unspoken and acts as a barrier in creating loving relationships.

Knowing that we have manuals, and dropping these manuals, is the best first step in any relationship where you might be having friction.

You likely have manuals for yourself, other people, and your past.

The list below is of some common expectations you may have and ask them what other expectations they have.

? I should be better at this
? This technology shouldn’t be so difficult
? I shouldn’t fail
? I shouldn’t be so scared all the time
? I should be further along than I am
? She should call me back when I call her
? She should listen to me for as long as I listen to her
? She should tell me she loves me
? My job should provide money for me
? I should be more successful
? That shouldn’t have happened to me when I was a kid
? Life should be easy
? Life should be simple
? Life should not require discomfort

These examples are simple and brief, but the truth is that most manuals are pages and pages thick. They are complicated, intricate, and detailed.

A manual is basically based on the lie that other people are in control of how we feel and we need to control them so we can feel a certain way. They are insidious and damaging to every relationship they inhabit. Unfortunately, in the age we live in, some people believe manuals are how we SHOULD interact with other humans, especially our romantic partnerships.

Have you even had a counselor or therapist sit you down with your partner and ask you to ‘exchange needs’? I’ve had students tell me this has happened to them and it is so damaging. You’d think this is a great strategy for living your life with someone – the truth is all it does it create emotional bondage and emotional blackmail.

Think about it – if you were given a list of things YOU MUST do to keep your partner happy, how long would it be before you started to feel guilty every time your partner wasn’t happy? Furthermore, what if you did everything on her list and she still wasn’t happy – then what?!?

As you know, the truth is that we are responsible for how we feel because how we feel is based on how we think – and we ALWAYS have control over what we choose to think.

Most people have enough difficulty managing their own mind so they can be happy – can you imagine trying to manage your own mind AND your partners AND the rest of the people you are in a relationship with? It would get confusing and aggravating. It’s also impossible, ludicrous, and unnecessary.

Identifying and dropping ALL MANUALS is a healthy way to engage in any relationship.

BOUNDARIES

Boundaries, as opposed to manuals, are powerful tools to protect yourself, love yourself, and protect your relationships.

A boundary is like a fence you put up around your house to protect yourself and your space. It also protects the people you love, which is the relationship and the people in it with you. Unlike a manual, boundaries do not attempt to control other people – they only give instructions on how you will behave based on someone else’s choices. Boundaries ALWAYS allow other people to make their own choices and live the life they want (this protects the relationship). Boundaries also give you the choice to life your life the way you want, free from activities and actions that you choose to not invite into your life (this protects yourself and develops and maintains self-love).

Remember – manuals are about control, boundaries allow all parties to behave as they choose.

SETTING BOUNDARIES

Boundaries follow a simple algorithm so you can know when you’re setting a boundary versus forcing a manual.

A MANUAL IS:

“You have to do this or else _________ .” You can insert anything in the blank; I will feel bad, you’ll disappoint me, you’re not a good person, or even a simple ultimatum! Notice the “You have to” part of the manual. There is a clear attempt to control the other person – the rest of the sentence is the consequence of NOT DOING WHAT YOU SAY. This type of sentence comes from fear and insecurity.

A BOUNDARY IS:

“If you do this, I will do that.” In a boundary, ‘this’ and ‘that’ are actions – never emotions or thoughts. For example, if you say, “If you do this, you’re not a good person”, then it’s not a boundary – it’s still a manual. Someone being ‘not a good person’ is a thought. If you say, “If you do this, I’ll be disappointed in you”, that is also a manual because you feeling disappointed is not due to their actions (it’s due to your thinking) and we call that emotional blackmail.

A solid boundary is, “If you drink at the bar tonight, I will take an Uber home”. You can see how there is an action on both side of the comma. They drink, you take an Uber – both actions. Also notice how you aren’t trying to control the other persons behavior. If they choose to drink, THEY CAN! They are an adult and you’re not telling them not to. You’re simply protecting yourself – they drink, you take a cab. No harm done, no hurt feelings. It’s all good – they can go be an adult and make their own choices and you can be an adult and make your own choices. No judgments – no attempts to control.

Boundaries are ALWAYS set out of love and NEVER out of control. If you are mad at the way someone else is acting and you want them to stop behaving that way – this is not a time to set a boundary. This is a time to manage your mind. Once you have managed your mind, you can return to the relationship. Adult humans can behave ANY WAY THEY CHOOSE (see the segment on TRUST). When you set a boundary out of love, you are allowing the other person to behave however they choose and are protecting yourself from their choices.

Boundaries are a BIG PART of Alpha Relationships and I recommend you practice them.

ENFORCING BOUNDARIES

You MUST enforce your boundaries.

If you are going to set a boundary, it does you zero good to not enforce it. The point of a boundary isn’t to control the other person – it is to protect and love yourself. If you don’t enforce your boundaries, you are neither protecting nor loving yourself.

Most people force manuals and call them boundaries (see below). This is never a good way to create a connection with another person – it is simply trying to control the other person with threats, emotional blackmail, and sinister illusions.

Make sure that when you SET a boundary, you do it when you’re in a loving place for yourself and the other person. If you’re mad or upset with the way they are acting – do not set a boundary (it might come through as a manual). This way, when and if you ever have to ENFORCE the boundary -it will be clean, clear, and with a positive emotion of love and compassion.

WHY ENFORCING BOUNDARIES IS TOUGH

One of the reasons people have a tough time with boundaries is when they are crossed. You MUST enforce your boundaries if you decide to set them – otherwise they aren’t boundaries, they are just words (and likely more attempts to control the other person).

Most of time, boundaries aren’t enforced for one of two reasons.

Either the boundary was set in an attempt to the control the other person and when it didn’t work, the enforcement wasn’t necessary (because it wasn’t about the enforcement anyway, it was about preventing the other person from doing whatever it was you didn’t want them to do),
Or there isn’t enough self-love developed and so you would rather suffer without the boundary enforcement then evolve through the boundary enforcement.

Here is an example that covers both reasons – and one I have worked with MANY men on over the course of years of this type of coaching.

You’re married and your wife has sex with another man. You don’t even have to be married – it could be a committed relationship. Marriage just seems to add complexity (even though it really doesn’t).

So you’re married and you find out your wife has sex with another man. With a marriage or a monogamous relationship, it’s clear that have sex with another person is breaking a spoken or unspoken boundary. Most of the time, it’s important to clearly state your boundaries – especially when the other person has already crossed it or if it’s something that they may be unaware of. For some boundaries, like adultery, infidelity, physical abuse, etc, they can be implicit in the type of relationship you are engaged in. For monogamous relationships, it’s implicit that sex with other people is a boundary – otherwise it would be a different type of relationship that you would both be aware of.

Now, the boundary may be, “If you have sex with another person, I will file for divorce.” It may even be an emotional affair, however this might have a different consequence, maybe. There is no ‘boundary standard’ and every adult is allowed to choose their own boundaries and consequences of boundary violations.

If this is the boundary and the consequence, I have seen several men balk at enforcement when their partner has sex with another person. Usually, this is why they enter into coaching – especially Alpha Male coaching.

Let’s go up to to why this boundary might not be enforced.

In the first example, it wasn’t because the divorce was desired – in fact, it usually is never desired. But the boundary wasn’t set in love of the self or to protect the relationship – it was set to CONTROL THE PARTNER. It was more of a threat – if you have sex with another person, I will file for divorce. If that is a threat and not a boundary, then it’s an act of control. Then is she does have sex with another person, all you do is call her a whore, slut, and get all upset about it – yelling and screaming, maybe flying into a rage. This does NOTHING and isn’t Alpha and isn’t love. It wasn’t a boundary at all – it was a form of control. You may still get a divorce – but you’ll think something is messed up with your partner, which isn’t the case either.

In the second example, it wasn’t the divorce that’s desired either and in this case, there is more suffering because of a lack of self-love. Men who fall into this category will stay with their wives (or girlfriends) and deplete their confidence in themselves because they didn’t enforce their boundary to protect their thoughts about themselves and love themselves. This kills the relationships as well. If you don’t love and protect yourself, you are teaching other people how to think about you based on how you think about yourself. Remember, a boundary is FOR YOU to LOVE yourself and protect the RELATIONSHIP.

WORKSHEETS

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