Seeking & Dating

RELATIONSHIPS ARE THOUGHTS

Relationships are thoughts.

You are never in a relationship with a person or a thing, you are only ever in a relationship with your thoughts about a person or a thing.

Your relationship with anyone, including the one that they have with yourself, and the relationship they have with other people, your past, and your money are dependent on the thoughts you choose to think.

When you decide to enter into a relationship with another person, you are engaging in developing the relationship with yourself. In order to attract what you want, you must BECOME what you’re seeking. Once you BECOME in order to attract, then you DEMONSTRATE during dating and developing a relationship.

WHAT ARE YOU SEEKING?

What you are seeking is seeking you. – Rumi

If relationships are one of the most misunderstood things in the human experience, dating is certainly a part of that. Most people think dating is a matter of hit or miss, a numbers game, or simple luck.

The truth is, dating is about DEMONSTRATING your AUTHENTIC self.

And before you can do that, you have to BECOME your AUTHENTIC self.

So what are you seeking?

In terms of a romantic partner, you are seeking the reflection of your personal Truth – the mirror of your authentic self.

In order to find what you are seeking, you must become what you are seeking. You must become that True Self – that ALPHA Self.

The relationship you have with yourself is the most important relationship you can develop and express during your lifetime. As you become more of who you are, the more you will let go of people pleasing, external validation neediness, and approval seeking from others. You will separate from the masses, who are generally conditioned by their society, and live into your authentic Truth.

Before embarking on the journey of finding a romantic partner, I want to offer that you spend the time to determine what it is you want in a partner. Make a list of characteristics you want in a partner. This isn’t a list of physical attributes – I am not talking about hair color and eye color. I am talking about the personality traits, principles, world paradigms, belief systems, and wants and desires for the future that you want to have in a partner.

Imagine you ideal partner, in every way (yes, including appearance). Imagine how they think, how they feel, how they behave and show up in the world. Imagine everything, in as much detail as possible. Make the list.

Now that you know what you’re seeking, it’s time to BECOME this person!

What you are seeking is the mirror of your True Self – if there are characteristics you seek in a partner that you don’t have in yourself, the attraction of this person will not manifest. You will always and only attract that which you are. This is the Law.

BECOMING YOUR AUTHENITIC SELF

Take a look at the list you made for what you want in a romantic partner. Circle all the characteristics you want in a partner and you lack in yourself.

BE HONEST WITH THIS EXERCISE!

It does you no good you lie to yourself here – no one is watching or judging you. The only person you’re harming is yourself and your future. Circle all the characteristics you WANT in someone else, yet you don’t GIVE to yourself or others.

Keep in mind, if you want it in someone else I guarantee you it’s something you want from and for yourself.

Let’s consider an easy example – you want to be loved, right? I think most people would say that they want to be loved in a romantic partnership. So you want your ideal romantic partner to be loving! If you want a partner who is loving, wouldn’t it be logical that you must be a loving person? Do you think it’s possible for a loving person to be attracted to a person who doesn’t know how to love or is a unloving person?

Now, your list will be unique to you and what you want. How do you want to experience your life? What do you want to do in your life?

I CAN’T STRESS THIS ENOUGH!

Your life is ONLY yours. There is no ‘right way’ to live – in fact, the RIGHT WAY to live is living the life that you CHOOSE WITH PURPOSE AND ON PURPOSE. To become your authentic self, you must live into what you are seeking in someone else. “What you seek is also seeking you”, remember that? Well, have you considered that both of these ‘seekers’ are YOU?! What you are seeking is your authentic self and your authentic self is also seeking you – you WANT to be YOURSELF and you think that you have to find that in someone else, like a romantic partner.

This is an illusion.

Go through your list and begin to become each of the things you want to find in someone else. By doing this, you will find yourself, attract your self, and live with the person you want to be with – with is your authentic self.

Then, and only then, will you ready to seek your partner in Life.

DATING PART 1: THE APPROACH

Approach Anxiety is thinking that this person is either going to reject you (and rejection can come in many forms).

The most basic form of Approach Anxiety is the thought, “I want to talk to (meet) this person and I am afraid the encounter will not go the way I want it to go.”

Remember – all anxiety (social, approach, and performance) comes from the thoughts you have about yourself. If you’re worried someone won’t accept you, it’s because you have a tough time accepting yourself and/or you validate your worth externally through other peoples acceptance. Anxiety in all its forms HAS NOTHING to do with the other person or people.

When you have done the work to live into your authentic self, the approach becomes smooth and effortless. There is no rejection is the cognitive sense, only in a neutral action taken by you or the other person because it wasn’t meant to be at that time and in that way. The outcome of any approach is perfect; both an experience for you learn from and the knowing that what is offered is a gift to you.

I want to offer you a couple of ideas when it comes to approaching, when you are beginning your journey of seeking.

First, KNOW that the outcome is perfect and that rejection is a cognitive LIE. If you make an offer and she says ‘no’, it only means that she is not the one for you, either for a season or a reason. It doesn’t mean anything about you personally.

Second, look for signs of attraction BEFORE you approach. Look, you can talk to anyone you want – I am not telling you what to do. I will say that when you have a known attraction going into the approach, you will more at ease, confident, and ready to lead and she will be more open to receive and be led.

Third, HAVE FUN! No, don’t ‘have fun’ – BE FUN! Remember the Universal Truth – you will demonstrate the emotion you feel. If you feel insecure, that’s what you will demonstrate. If you feel fun, THAT’S WHAT YOU WILL DEMONSTRATE. Enjoy yourself and she will enjoy you. Find yourself interesting and she will find you interesting. Love your self and she will love you.

Finally, when you go into an approach, don’t commit to a ‘perfect’ or ‘expected’ result. If you’re not feeling it anymore, get out of there! If you sense that she isn’t into it, get out of there! Don’t waste your time – your time is your life. If you’re not feeling it, it’s just on to the next one – as Jay Z would say. This is a world of abundance, and that includes women.

DATING PART 2: ENGAGING

Let go of all the external conditioning you have around what it means to be a ‘perfect man’. Let go of all the pick-up nonsense and dating advice that comes from OTHER PEOPLE. That is what works for them and that’s great! What works for you is going to be different and unique because you are different and unique. If you’re searching for how you’re different and unique, go back to BECOMING YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF and do that work first.

There is no right way or wrong way to engage with a female, there is only YOUR WAY. That being said, YOUR WAY is always the RIGHT WAY.

The one thing I want to offer you here is that you LEAD WITH CONFIDENCE.

You can only do this when you are thinking about what you want and what you have to offer. If you are putting her on a pedestal, which is to say if you think she is the prize to ‘be won’, then your thoughts are about her and you will be a little puppy dog wanting her love and attention. You have to flip that script.

YOU ARE THE PRIZE. I know you probably hear that a lot, especially if you’ve been working on dating or have had a coach in the past. Well, it is TRUE. You’re the MAN. Now, even though that is true and immutable, you still have to know what it means and believe it.

You are not out there to live your life so that you can please a woman. The whole adage of “Happy Wife, Happy Life” is B.S. and has led so many amazing men astray and into lives of suffering and servitude. Pleasing other people and trying to live up to what you think they want you to be is a DREAM KILLER.

When I say you’re the prize, what I mean is that:

• You BECOME the person you want to SHARE your life with
• You LIVE that life with CONFIDENCE of action, knowing you are adult that can do anything you want
• You seek for someone to COMPLIMENT the life YOU CHOOSE
• When/if you determine this person has a few WANT MATCHES, you close the deal IMMEDIATELY by getting their contact information and/or setting up a time to meet again

Numbers 1 & 2 you have already done with becoming your authentic self.

Number 3 is the approach – MAKE THE OFFER with CONFIDENCE.

Number 4 happens during the approach. You must be sure of what YOU WANT and ASK THE QUESTIONS to determine if she fits in that desire. If not, walk away. If so, get the contact information and SET A DATE.

DATING PART 3: THE FIRST DATE

The first date – the good stuff. Look, at this point you can relax. If she’s on a date with you, she likes you. She was open to your confident approach, she was attracted to your banter and conversation, she gave you her contact information, and she now sharing time with you. You’ve scored, brother – RELAX!

Now you get to determine, for yourself, how this person is going to fit into your life. The first date is all about FUN and QUALIFYING.

FUN means you decide what you want to do on the date and where you want to go on the date. You must lead her on the first date. Show her what you like to do, demonstrate your confidence, and display your interests. If you’re having fun, she will have fun. If you’re not having fun, then she won’t have fun either and there won’t be a second date. If you don’t determine what you want to do and decide to do something that you don’t like because you think that’s what she wants or were told by someone else that it’s what you should do, it won’t end well.

DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO AND HAVE FUN!

QUALIFYING means you are determining how this person is going to fit into your life; will she be a romantic partner, a friend, an acquaintance, or someone you don’t spend any time with. This is for you to determine, not her. Too many men play into the qualifying of the female, which allows them to be ‘friend-zoned’ because women want to led – if she is leading you, it means you’re going to be a friend at best.

You know what you want – you did that work already, both on yourself and determining what you want in a partner. Ideally, these are the same thing – which means there will be a lot of WANT MATCHES. A want match is a match of wants between you and her. Some are big, some are small – some are deal-breakers, others are alterable depending on compatibility in other areas. Make sure you know the difference for yourself between what is a deal-breaker and what you can bend on. You don’t have to be stubborn but you can’t be a push-over either.

For example, let’s say you want to have sex with your partner 3 times a week, minimum. Yes, the first date is ok to determine how much sex she is into. Now, I wouldn’t recommend you just come out and ask her – unless there is a moment where that question is ok. You can slip these questions in during general conversation is a covert way. Remember – HAVE FUN and BANTER.

Now, if you want to have sex with your partner 3 times a week and you discover she wants to have sex 2 times a month, that’s not a want match. Is it a deal-breaker? That’s up to you. If it is – she, at best, will just be a friend. Maybe you can set her up with a buddy who doesn’t like to have a lot of sex but if it’s a deal-breaker for you, don’t ‘try to make it work’. If it’s not a deal-breaker and you can consider having sex once a week, then there is room to compromise as the relationship develops. If you find out that it’s a deal-breaker for her – that she won’t have sex more than twice a month – and you can’t live with that, then move on!

The first date is all about having fun and determining want matches through qualifying. Enjoy yourself first – always have fun in your life. You’re the ALPHA, you lead, you decide, you are living your life and she is along for all the fun that you’re having. As you do this, ask her questions to determine what kind of woman she is and how compatible you two are through want matches. You won’t get to all of them, of course. I wouldn’t recommend doing the ‘do you want kids’ question on the first date, but you can if it comes up. However, the first date will give you enough information to determine if you want to go out with her again, move her to the friend-zone, or simply move on altogether.

WORKSHEETS

(Click to download)

Do this worksheet everyday for 30 days for each goal. This will help you BECOME what you are SEEKING.